Belial: ...and the poor yutz says, "I know, I know, but where am I gonna find one?"

Ashtoreth: Did the Boss say when he'd show? I've got a three o'clock.

Beelzebub: He'll get here when he gets here. (Glances surreptitiously at his own watch)

Moloch: (glowering) I still think adopting Eastern Standard time was a bad idea.

Ashtoreth: What, you wanted Greenwich Mean?

Moloch: No! This whole business of minutes and hours. It's a human thing. It's got nothing to do with us. I liked it better when it was only ever one time here, and that time was Too Late.

Ashtoreth: How reactionary of you. (She gives a catlike smile.) I bet you liked it better when we still used swords and spears, too.

Mammon: It's plain practicality, Moloch. You want to function in the world economy, and keep your finger on the pulse of world sin, you have to think in terms of what time it is in New York.

Hecate: Someone forwarded this to me last week.

Belial: Another virus? Chain letter?

Hecate: Joke.

Belial: Almost as good. Let's hear.

Dagon: The Boss'll be here any minute, you know.

Hecate: Take a look. It's titled "So You Want To Be An Evil Overlord."

Belial: You're kidding.

Hecate: Swear to Satan. Take a look.

Dagon: "So you want to be an evil overlord! It seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've heard seems to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind..." Who writes this stuff?

Belial: "Number three: The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box."

Dagon: "Number seven: I will never utter the sentence 'But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.'"

Belial: I don't believe this. "Number forty-two: I will not turn into a snake. It never helps."

Satan: Why do you think I never tried that one again?

Satan: Are we all here?

Beelzebub: All present and accounted for.

Satan: This meeting is officially called to order. Item one: reading of the minutes from the last meeting.

Dalila: (clears her throat delicately and reads in demure tones) Meeting was called to order by Mr. Satan at twelve-thirty Infernal Standard Time. Minutes of previous meeting read. Report from Accounting on plans for an initial public offering. Motion to step up schedule on the IPO and move the expected date to the beginning of May. Motion passed unanimously. Report from the Legal department on the progress of... (She peers at the page.) Sir, the printout is singed, I can't make out the next part....

Satan: Singed? (He glances at Belial, who abruptly becomes very interested in his agenda sheet.)

Dalila: Burned, sir. It ends with something about a followup in two weeks. Report from Information Technology on the successful installation of the new T-1 internet connection. Motion to adjourn the meeting and confirm for ourselves that it works. Motion passed unanimously. Meeting adjourned.

Satan: I want a clean copy of that on my desk before the day's over, Dal. (She nods.) All right, next item - (He breaks off, noticing the placard above the door for the first time.) What the - Who did that?

Satan: You know I hate that. We're not about abandoning hope here, people!

Satan: Sheesh. Poets. Dal, take a memo: we're not letting any more poets into Hell. No, I don't care what they did. Let the Old Man upstairs sort them out. (Dalila nods without looking up, her fingers busy on the laptop keyboard.) Okay. Item two: report from Sales. (There is a murmur of confusion from the others at the table; they are looking at their agenda sheets and at each other's. Satan looks annoyed.) What?

Dagon: My agenda sheet says item two: Human Resources report.

Moloch: What? Item two is a report from Engineering.

Mammon: The Engineering rep isn't even at this meeting!

Hecate: Isn't item two the report from Research and Development?

Ashtoreth: What? We're not reporting till next week!

Satan: People.... (There is a distinctly dangerous note in his voice; the other demons quiet down instantly.) Can I see those agenda sheets, please? (They all pass the agenda sheets back to him. He looks through them and sighs.) Copy machine's got gremlins again. Dal, memo to the custodial staff: double their year-end bonus if they can get rid of those permanently. And do you have the original of the agenda?

Dalila: Right here, sir. Item two: report from Sales and Marketing.

Satan: Okay. Dagon?

Dagon: (stands up) We've been working on the process of redefining our presence in the public eye. The global community is looking very receptive right now. They're sick to death of the old firm and ready for a change. Any change. (He opens his portfolio and takes out a black-and-white pen sketch, which he passes around the table.) Azazel and his people are designing the new logo for Morningstar Enterprises. Run it up the flagpole, see who salutes.

Satan: Morningstar Enterprises. Nice. (Beelzebub hands him the sketch, and his eyebrows go up as he looks at it.) Very nice. Tell Azazel I like it.

Dagon: Yes, sir. He'll be pleased to hear you said so.

Satan: Anything else?

Dagon: Well, for the past couple decades we've been considering stepping up the smear campaign against Heaven. The trouble is, we're noticing some pretty heavy backlash in certain circles. You know the ones. The less it's in fashion, the better they like it.

Belial: (disdainfully) We all know that type.

Satan: (mildly) Considering that we all used to be that type, Belial, I think we could do without the tone.

Belial: (swallowing hard) Of course, sir. I certainly didn't mean any disrespect, sir.

Satan: I think leave the smear campaign as it is, Dagon. We can't afford to have our reputation get too trendy. (Dagon nods.) Okay, next?

Dalila: Item three: Human Resources report.

Moloch: (sullenly) There's nothing new to report. There never is. They keep coming in and we keep making room for them. If it comes to war with Heaven again, they'll make good cannon fodder, but they clearly can't be trusted with anything important.

Beelzebub: (He and Satan exchange glances, and he clears his throat.) Would anyone mind if I suggested something a little radical?

Satan: No, go ahead, Beelzebub.

Beelzebub: Has it occurred to anyone yet that maybe the director of Human Resources should be a human?

Moloch: (growling) What?

Ashtoreth: Interesting.

Beelzebub: (raising a hand) No, wait, hear me out. Listen. All this time, we've been busy tormenting our humans when we should be using them. They've come up with nastier stuff than we've ever done.

Moloch: We've become too much like them already! Now you want to invite them into our counsels?

Beelzebub: Mol, we became too much like them the day we decided we had free will. Ever since then, they're the ones who've been trying to be like us. And they can't match our power, but for guile and subtlety and capacity for plain old evil, they've had us beat for most of the past century, if not earlier. All I'm saying is, I think we could stand to learn more from them.

Moloch: Guile! Subtlety! What good has that ever done us? (Satan raises one eyebrow, a danger signal that everyone at the table recognizes, but Moloch blunders on obliviously.) Do none of you remember the days of our power, when the humans slew their own children for our greater glory? And now we ape their every move, we count our days and hours by their reckoning, we even (he plucks at the lapel of his suit) dress like them -

Satan: (His eyes flash red, but his voice stays level.) Moloch.

Satan: (His face is stern for a moment, then he relaxes into a smile and shakes his head slowly.) Mol, I know how you feel. I do. But look, times have changed. Like it or not, it's a whole new paradigm. Think of the human race as a company. Each human soul is one share of the stock. And when we control the majority stockholders ... then, my friend, then we have what they call a hostile takeover. It's not the kind of open war you've always liked, but it's not so different, is it? Not so hard to understand.

Beelzebub: It's plain practicality. You have to move with the times. Chemos didn't, and where is he? Rimmon didn't, and you know, I haven't heard from him at all lately? Thammuz didn't, and does anyone remember him?

Satan: You've always been one of the strongest of us, Moloch. One of the fiercest who fought in Heaven. It's a different kind of fight now, but I'd like to still have you with us. To do what you're best at, when the time comes.

Moloch: ...Very well. As you wish, my lord. (A pause, and he grimaces.) That is ... whatever you say... Boss.

Satan: (He smiles, and reaches over the table to shake Moloch's hand.) Good to hear it. Beelzebub, I want you in charge of finding a replacement for Human Resources director when we promote Moloch to Vice-President in charge of Hostile Operations.

Beelzebub: Yes, sir.

Satan: Anything else on the agenda, Dal?

Dalila: Discussion of hostile takeover strategy; I think we'll be picking that up next time. That's it, sir.

Satan: Does anyone have anything else to add? (He looks around the table.) No? All right - meeting adjourned.

Dagon: Dalila, have you got an extra copy of last week's IPO proposal?

Dalila: Sure thing. I'll get it to you by the end of the day.

Dagon: Aah, you're the best. Listen, Dal, you ever get tired of working for this guy (he indicates Satan with his thumb), you can always transfer back to Sales.

Dalila: Dagon, love you, but byeeee. (She smiles sweetly and flutters her fingertips at him.)

Satan: (low-voiced) Damn, I hate it here.

Satan: Dal? Get me a coffee, would you? (A pause.) And take your time.

Dalila: Sure, boss. (She turns to go.)

Satan: And see if you can get someone to turn up the AC, huh? It's a sauna in here!

Satan: Roll out the welcome mat, Dad. I'm coming home.

Satan. As in Paradise Lost, Satan is a born leader. Able to make unpopular decisions and have all his followers cheer them, able to talk a disgruntled follower out of quitting or dissenting, he maintains morale among his people and gets them to believe that they can win. However, he takes no real joy in his rule of Hell, Inc. Of all of them, he is the one who never forgets that this place is a prison, and no matter what he does to improve it, it will always be a prison.

Dalila. As hinted, when she first got to Hell she worked for Dagon (her own god, as we know from Samson Agonistes). But being an opportunistic sort, she rather quickly moved upward to become Satan's personal assistant. Despite this, she is genuinely loyal and competent; her "sexy secretary" act is more of an invitation to underestimate her than anything else, just as when she was alive.

Beelzebub. "...than whom, Satan except, no higher sat - with grave aspect he rose, and in his rising seemed a pillar of state; deep on his front engraven deliberation sat, and public care, and princely counsel in his face yet shone.... Thus Beelzebub pleaded his devilish counsel - first devised by Satan, and in part proposed...." -Paradise Lost, Book II. Ever since the old days, Beelzebub has been Satan's right-hand demon, the one who makes the suggestions that Satan needs to come from somebody else. I think it's fairly clear that as Satan's COO, the same relationship still obtains.

Mammon. Chief Financial Officer was the only possible choice for him. "For even in heaven his looks and thoughts were always downward bent, admiring more the riches of heaven's pavement, trodden gold, than aught divine..." -PL, Book II. There wasn't much I could do with him in this brief scene, except to hint that in a society where finance is highly respected, he has to some degree come into his own.

Belial. Again, not very much for him to do as Chief Counsel in this context. I tried to characterize him as he is described - "to vice industrious, but to nobler deeds timorous and slothful" (PL, Book II.) - in the little aside about the previous meeting's minutes.

Hecate, Ashtoreth, Dagon. Mostly uncharacterized in PL, used here for others to play off of. I particularly wanted Dagon for that brief exchange with Dalila.

Moloch. "...the strongest and the fiercest spirit that fought in heaven, now fiercer by despair; his trust was with the eternal to be deemed equal in strength, and rather than be less cared not to be at all; with that care lost went all his fear.... 'My sentence is for open war; of wiles, more unexpert I boast not.'" I felt that he would have the hardest time adjusting to the modern mindset. Where Satan feels right at home in the serpent subtleties of the corporate world, Moloch is increasingly frustrated by the complicated rules that don't allow direct attack.